Tankar och dikter

Tired on to last mediator and to be included in bullshit

Tired on to consult how poor and mean it to unite where

I order it straight you brother

I order it straight you sister

I order it straight you the friend

Finished speak like that here damn shit

Do not draw me with you in this

I have already heard on everything internal

How it goes in the sex life

How you put-on brides and lies for judgement

How you recognize yourself in me

Crappy same they have same but different

Moreover, this is my world and my life

You were only a part of it

Of course, more I intend on everything feels me bad

To not last it perfect in your eyes

See on your alone

You are both losers and narrow-minded

Sentencing and not sentencing on same time

Only that I can stand in order to I have a lot

Moreover, that I wrestle with what that is across

Doubt and trust

Gives me central agencies

I cannot intend clearly

I see everything in blue

Think that I pity myself

I feel poorly on everything

Tired on two messages

Perhaps, I have some error

Yes, I have all errors

But at least knows I that it is so

Moreover, that I have all court to whine about I want to

Complains on what I want to

Call me childish or ridiculous

You are probably worse one me

Stand where and look  stupid

Speak on your psychological ways

Believes you can either me pursues it

Believes that you are best in order to you can speak

I can also speak permanent Lely I do it across out

Intend itself pursues do nobody therefore becomes one hated

One becomes loved or hated for something

I woke up today thinking nobody trusts anybody.

It is too bad it has to be this way, so I am not the only who struggle with trust.

I think it is human but few people admit it, they have to much pride in them.

My pride is there with me, of courts I am proud of being me, and without all the way’s I am it aint me no more.

Yesterday some one wanted me to answer on a public community site, my god are they really that interested of my life.

Because they do not even know me for real, I am sickened tired of the net world. Some faked up world that only make it when the hearts are blue, and people that feel blue want some little contact.

That is when things start being sick, because you believe it so much that you forgets about the real world outside the little net world.

Now I am just in there once and a while. And of courst it’s always fun to see how many dumb as people believe they have falling in love…without seeing me in real…Hm ha-ha it is a funny behaviour we people got there.

Why we fight is because I want the truth, and of courst, I get angry if I dislike what you tell me, it is my decisions if I want to stay with some one. Depends on what I asked for and what the answers lead to.

However, people do not understand that, all those who have something to hide always comes with attitude and want to make me shut up! Because they know somewhere, their behaviour is sick and wrong… They cannot stay with one at the time…and they want the cake so bad…They forget who is coming between their perverted dreams! It is also called cold not feeling for others just cear about them selves…and that is not me. Forget that shit…and that is why I can trust people anymore. They are all the same…where to find some one only that wants the same as me.

I sit here in front of the computer getting nowhere.

I am tired and my thoughts spin round, I hate this feel.

I just want to give up some times, just stop listening to people.

All they have to come up with is some bad advices, what to do when you not getting somewhere.

If you can deal with …ok good for you…if you can handle to feel empty and just wasted…good for you.

I just have to write some times, I hate sitting in public and eat …if you think it is corny do not mind if you do!

I hate birthdays they make me panic, to get salibrated to be one year older is the stupidest thing.

I like to eat cake more then once in month…I love to get surprises with out birthdays…it just make me feel blue. To feel how life fly away.

When you are a child, you admire all kinds of birthdays…because they do not see it the same way. As when you are adult.

Suddenly everything becomes very silly. The same thing year after year. Is the same thing with believe in Santa. You did when you were little but not as an adult.

Idag vaknade jag med snurrande huvud, ringde alla möjliga igår och försökte få bort ångest.

Pratade i telefon med vänner och älskling, och försöker få grepp om saker.

Pratade med Sofie min vänJ hm och det gjorde saker mycket bättre, synd bara att hon är borta när jag kommer tillbaks till Skellefteå, hon är så rar och snäll, hon svarar i alla fall när jag ringer och pratar ja och såklart älskling. Jag har ändå sovit bra dom här nätterna under veckan förutom förrgår då jag fick något ryck.

Jag somnade med hörlurar och full volym på musik, hahaha påminn mig att aldrig sova med hörlurar och cd-spelare igång, då jag gjorde ett kast i sängen och skulle vända mig…tänk resten själv.

Förutom att jag själv vaknade med ett chocksenarie av ljudet och inte fatta först vad det var.

Jag har ju ett uttag där min lampa är inkopplad delvis cd-spelaren och ibland laddar jag min telefon där..hahaha fatta inte vad jag pysslade med.

När jag väl fattade att det var hos mig ljudet dånade ifrån hahaha säg mitt i natten klockan tre och det var kolsvart i lägenheten, jag tog första bästa sladd jag såg med mitt dåliga mörkerseende och drog ut den, paff sa glödlampan där gick den tänkte jag..fortfarande var det fel sladd och musiken fortsatte …hahaha ju mer jag försökte fokusera på rätt avstängningsknapp blev jag nervös, till slut drog jag ut varenda sladd halvsovandes!

Så kan det gå när man somnar med hörlurar i öronen, inte jordens undergång tyckte bara det är typiskt mig.

Jag har städat noggrant i min lilla lägenhet också sällsynt hos mig, men ibland får jag mina städ ryck och konstaterar att det ser för jävligt ut, så här kan det inte se ut.

Jag har åstadkommit lite i veckan som gått i alla fall starkt jobbat Carina hahaha överväldigad att jag tar mig för å städar ibland.

Jag vågar inte titta men måste.

Vågar jag se det här.

När ditt namn nämndes kände jag en kall våg.

Vågar jag se det här och höra dina ord igen.

En person som givit mig insikt på kort tid.

Eller har det alltid funnits en som du i min närhet.

Ditt ansikte är likt det närmaste man kan komma den ängeln.

Med brister som står ut ur mängden.

Du klär av dig inför alla men just för mig.

Känns som att du klär av mig också.

Känns som att du gräver ur det .

Jag kan inte stå emot då din mentala styrka över mig finns där.

Och oavsett anar jag att det alltid kommer vara så.

Men jag lyssnade och såg.

Jag lyssnade och iakttog dina ögon samt din mun.

Du knäppte med fingrarna som alltid.

En nervös liten blick då och då ned i marken.

En liten röst som jag känner igen bakom allt mystiskt.

Det mystiska är borta nu och där med andas jag ut .

I try to look straight but I know my wrongs for sure

This lies and untrue stories have to stop…

I cannot handle this anymore, and people may think me being paranoid

Go ahead think what you think; at least I know I love my darling.

I love him to much that it suffocate us both, I strangle the truth from coming out.

Because I want to hear it my way, so then I can run off whiteout getting hurt.

However, in the end I get hurted and sicken tired of this shit all the time.

Do not give me some good advices I know my wrongs and my mistakes.

I keep them to myself anyway, and you can listen if you want to, or try to speak me the right way.

But propibly ain`t you the right one to speak to do right things always, I think you have a hard time explain even your own falls and wrongs, but you wont admit them, you don’t think I am worth answer for, you write about that people don’t need to ask you something you wont tell anyway…well if you say and write it will become unsure answers back.

I guess this blog will be different from what I wrote before; I do not write it so you people can judge me.

Because this is only words written by me, and I talking true about what I feel, where I stand.

I hate to feel like a coward person that has to sit quiet, because you want me to be that way.

Even if I love somebody, they all want to change me, from what they like to have in front of them.

I am nothing of what you people made up in your minds, I am me Carina and no one else can change that, and if you think I talk about the same things all the time, fuck off I do it cause you people seem to forget what I told you last time, to get heard by people I have to tell the same damn thing again and again!